ThanksKilling Review

Movie: ThanksKilling
By: Fish
Date: April 14, 2011

What Are You Thankful For?

There's an entire world of awful underground horror out there, and only a handful of us are willing to sit down for an hour and a half and subject ourselves to torment worse than what the characters we watch suffer could ever dream of surviving.

ThanksKilling (2009) is the monstrosity of writer & director Jordan Downey (Craw Lake, Suck, The Cannibal Ad). The movie starts with white text on a black screen, saying “The year is 1601, the golden days. Moments after the very first Thanks Giving…” we are then lead to an opening shot of a pilgrim woman, breasts exposed, running from something unseen. A possessed turkey shows up after she trips over a rock, says “nice tits, bitch” and proceeds to hack her to pieces.


This has to be the best worst horror film I have ever seen, and believe me children, I have seen quite a few. This killer turkey is awakened by a dog peeing on what looks like a Haitian tiki stick and begins to stalk a group of teenagers that happen to be on his turf. You’ve got your standard characters, the slut, the nerd, the good girl, the jock, etc., but to me, they were all just filler. I did not give a single solitary fuck about what happened to any of them. I just wanted more turkey.


This little bastard turkey is amazing. He kills the sheriff (the good girl’s dad), and wears his face as a mask to convince the teenagers that he’s him. No, this is not a giant man sized turkey. Yes, he ties elastic around the ears to hold it to his head. Yes, it is the size of the turkey’s face. No, I don’t understand it either.

There’s also a scene where the turkey is trying to hitch-hike. When a passer-by pulls over, he tells the turkey that there’s a fee: cash, grass or ass. The turkey picks ass, let’s the driver sodomize him, and then kills him. He makes him call his wife first though. I was disappointed that the turkey didn’t make him tell his wife that he had just had anal sex with him, but you can’t win them all. Enjoy this photo of sir turkey sex licking his lips in preparation:


When the turkey catches up with the teens and starts to kill them off, he gets a chance to be alone with the slutty girl. He kills her boyfriend while he’s fucking her, and then slips in his place and begins to rape the girl. When she realizes what’s happening (which takes entirely too long) he proclaims “You just got stuffed!” and then kills her as well. How do her friends find out what happened? Well, they find a turkey condom, how else?


There’s no nice way to say this, but this film is garbage. This is not horror, it is not well made, it is not a cinematic adventure on the awesome train. It is why people shouldn’t be allowed to think for themselves. Alas, I enjoyed it thoroughly, and while I hope to never, ever, ever sit through this putrid mess again, I’m glad I made it through one good time. I feel as though I should’ve gotten a t-shirt or some other trinket like parting gift. Jordan Downey made a mistake by not using a pen name, and should have gone into hiding when this was released.







Jordan Downey






Lindsey Anderson, General Bastard, Natasha Cordova, Caleb Downey, Ryan E. Francis